The Games Behind the Casino Games

I’ll admit, gamblers, I’m a straight-up poker and blackjack guy.  Not so into the other online casino games nor do I completely understand them.  I didn’t grow up knowing about the Asian games, I don’t get the draw of video poker, and I can’t spell “keno”.  At least I couldn’t without checking first. 

That all said, here is a beginner’s guide to a few casino games and what they won’t tell you at the casinos.

Roulette:  The object of the game is to walk up to the table, lose a large sum of money, and walk away with a blondie on your arm.  Bonus points if you scream “COME OOOOOOOON, RED!”

Slots:  The goal of slots is to first gather all the coins from underneath your couch cushion, put them into a plastic cup, and then turn into a 75 year-old woman who reeks of cigarettes.  Then feed your coins into a machine, lose, and walk away.

These people are 135 years old. 
They are well on their way to being big winners.

Keno:  Keno is kind of like playing the lottery where you try to pick the winning numbers.  In other words, kind of like withdrawing money from the ATM and then lighting it on fire.

Craps:  This game is tricky.  First, in order to succeed in understanding the craps table and odds, you must first graduate from MIT with a degree in advanced mathematics.  Then roll the dice and do your best not to “crap out” which sounds more like something that happens after  a night of Taco Bell.

Happy gambling, everybody!   

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Casino Tropez Mobile Makes Some Guy Very Happy…He Just Can’t Tell Anybody About It

People.  PEOPLE!  This mobile casino thing is getting out of control quickly! 

Check out this news item from Casino Tropez Mobile.  Seems that some dude from Norway, “Janne,” took home a whopping 28 big ones playing video poker.  In and of itself, that is a big deal.  But on a freaking cell phone???  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

Seriously, I can’t even send a 200 character text message without my mom calling while I’m typing, causing me to lose the entire thing.  HOW DOES ANYBODY IN THE YEAR 2008 GAMBLE LONG ENOUGH….ON A CELLULAR PHONE!?!?!….TO WIN TWENTY-EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS!?!?!

How much time does it even require in one sitting to win that much money anyway?  When I’m playing casino games online or in Vegas, I drop what I’m doing to call my friends after going up five hundy!  I start getting the shakes when my handset gives me the low battery message.   

So yeah…props to you, Janne.  You made out like a bandit.  But you probably missed three calls about the hot blondie at the kegger down the street.  So in the end, you’re probably broke even.

BEEP!  “Hi, Janne, it’s Veronica.  I reaaaaaally wish you had answered.  I have a special surprise for you but alas, you’re not there.  I guess I’ll just have to call Tom.  I’m SURE he’ll answer…” 

Waiting for the Crazy21 Toaster to Pop…

So just a week or two ago I talked about the new blackjack movie “21” coming out and the new online casino game, blackjack on steroids (or as some call it, Crazy21.)  A lot of people think just like “Rounders” took both poker to a new level, this movie will do the same for blackjack.

So now I’m watching the proverbial toaster (or pot of boiling water), waiting for it to hit.  This isn’t going to take years, is it?  This is 2008, man, and I’m a card-carrying member of the short attention span generation who has no understanding of long-term gratification.  Let’s go already!

I told my buddy in Vegas last weekend to ask people about Crazy21…no one had even heard of it yet.  So far only 888 seems to be offering it.

On another note, what determines which movies spark trends and which don’t?  Kevin Spacey’s in this movie.  Everyone loved “The Usual Suspects”.  How come that didn’t cause everyone to go out and burn down entire villages like Keyser Soze?  Just wondering.

Allright, Crazy21, let’s go.  Coming soon to online casinos near you.

verbal.jpg

Pure evil.  And if I just ruined the movie for you,
where the hell have you been?

More Sports Betting Blunders to Be Aware Of (Don’t Say You Weren’t Warned)

Well, folks, it’s that time of year again.  If you’ve been living under a rock, I’m one of the many sports betting junkies with a case of March Madness.  I’m on the phone with my sports book non-stop, picking Cindarellas like Davidson over Kansas, and then getting upset when the clock strikes midnight.  It ain’t easy winning in March.

If you’re serious about betting though, there are a few caveats you’ll want to be aware of.  Oh sure, there are the obvious ones, the sports betting blunders that you can find on any gambling site, such as the gamblers’ fallacy which states that past history does not determine future performance.  Fifty consecutive coin flips resulting in heads doesn’t mean a fifty-first is any more likely.  (Although if you’re flipping a coin fifty times, you might want to re-examine how you’re spending your time.)

Now I’d like to examine a few more lesser-known sports betting blunders that you’ll need to be aware to take the big step from Losing Joe to Betting Pro.

Bad Sports Better
Don’t make picks like this guy.

1)  Never compete with your girlfriend in a March Madness tournament bracket.  For most sporting events, betting success is determined by things like knowledge, wisdom, and experience.  For the NCAA tournament, however, your average pool winner tends to have watched approximately 2 minutes of basketball EVER, makes picks based on jersey color, and oh yes, is a woman.  Losing to someone who admittedly knows nothing about sports is about as pleasing as having your toenails ripped off your feet by a pair of pliers.

2) Never make sports bets on games and proceed to chug multiple Bud Lights in the second half of a Final Four qualifier.  I’m not saying I did it, I’m just saying somebody in my house was running to the bathroom every seven minutes like an 80 year-old as Stephen Curry was bringing Davidson back against Kansas.  (Ok, I did it.)

3) Never make your picks, then change them, then change them again, then regret changing them back, then tell yourself you’ll beat yourself if you don’t take that trendy upset in the second round.  This is a surefire way to want to douse your hair in gasoline and light your head on fire.  Bracket regret sucks so trust your gut the first time around. 

Is it the Final Four yet?  Excuse me while I go make my picks. 

I’ve Got a Bad Case of March Madness

It all started last Thursday when I woke up.  My throat was a little scratchy and my head hurt.  Aspirin?  No help.  Chicken soup?  Nope.  Only when I logged into my trusty online sports book to put $20 on Belmont to cover the spread against Duke did I start to feel better. 

Unfortunately, much of Day 1 of the NCAA Tournament was uneventful and my temperature soared.  With the lack of upsets, I had to pacify myself with a few games of online blackjack to get myself right. 

Friday morning?  Even worse.  With the games not beginning till mid-day, I felt like hell.  Throbbing head, hives, double vision.  Then something happened.  I won $85 on slots before going 12-4 in my picks that day, capped by my pick of Cinderella Davidson.  With each correct pick, my bracket looked better and I felt my strength returning. 

Just to be safe, I squeezed in a doctor’s appointment between the 2nd and 3rd games in Tampa.  What he told me confirmed my suspicions…

Yup.  I’ve got a case of March Madness

With Davidson’s Stephen Curry…who needs penicillin?

With Davidson’s Stephen Curry…who needs penicillin?

Crazy21: Because MentallyDisturbed22 Just Doesn’t Have the Same Ring

Hello, you gambling fools:  Just last week, I blogged about the famous gambling movie “Casino” and the, ahem, degree of violence.  Think that’s unrealistic for a Las Vegas casino?  How about going to Vegas and winning millions of dollars with your buddies by counting cards while running around with stacks of bills taped to your legs, scoring with big-time hotties, and getting comped left and right?  Oh yeah, that happens to me ALL the time.

Well, if you want to get a look at what that would be like, you don’t have to wait long.  On March 28th, “21” will be released in theaters, a Kevin Spacey movie based on a group of MIT students in the book “Bringing Down the House.”  Oh yeah…did I mention that THIS REALLY HAPPENED???  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  When I was college-age, I was eating pizza for breakfast and watching the same “SportsCenter” highlights for the third time.  I think I need to re-evaluate my life.

Anyhoo, I’m not going to beat myself up at the lost millions (or my lack of tape burns) because now I have a shot at redemption.  To prepare for what many think will be an all-out blackjack blitz, online casino game provider Entertasia has released the new game Crazy21 which puts a spin on the classic blackjack game.  I’m all over this one.

What makes Crazy21 special are the side bets.  There’s the Safe Bet, the Highest Hand Bet, and the 777 Jackpot Bet, which allows you to place money on the odds of you being dealt three straight 7s.  I like to call this the “Pull a Crisp Bill Out of Your Pocket and Light It on Fire” bet.  Call me crazy.

But the other bets make the game intriguing. 

Las Vegas Casinos: No Better Place to Get Your Eyeball Popped Out

Online gambling is such a different animal from old-fashioned brick-and-mortar casinos.  Real casinos get your adrenaline going like nothing else.  It’s been a while since I’ve been to the City of Sin so I decided to relive the Las Vegas casino experience by renting a classic movie:  “Casino”.

“Casino” stars everybody’s favorite tough guys, Robert “Are you talkin’ to me?” De Niro and Joe “What do ya mean, funny?” Pesci.  That should have been enough to let me know how this movie would unfold.  This movie is just like the real Vegas casino experience.

Las Vegas Casino
If your dealer looks like this, run like hell, my friend.

I remember my last time in the Bellagio, when someone pissed off my friend so he stabbed him.  That was cool.  And then there was the time that we beat up some guys in the Luxor, sticking icepicks in their hoo-has and then squeezing one’s head till his eyeball popped out.  That rocked. 

Ok, seriously, this one time, I was logging on to this online casino, and this one bad dude Nicky Two Fingers broke into my place and buried me alive.  It sucked.

Yep…upon further review, “Casino” is just like a real-life casino experience.  I give it two severed thumbs up.