I’ll admit, gamblers, I’m a straight-up poker and blackjack guy. Not so into the other online casino games nor do I completely understand them. I didn’t grow up knowing about the Asian games, I don’t get the draw of video poker, and I can’t spell “keno”. At least I couldn’t without checking first.
That all said, here is a beginner’s guide to a few casino games and what they won’t tell you at the casinos.
Roulette: The object of the game is to walk up to the table, lose a large sum of money, and walk away with a blondie on your arm. Bonus points if you scream “COME OOOOOOOON, RED!”
Slots: The goal of slots is to first gather all the coins from underneath your couch cushion, put them into a plastic cup, and then turn into a 75 year-old woman who reeks of cigarettes. Then feed your coins into a machine, lose, and walk away.
These people are 135 years old.
They are well on their way to being big winners.
Keno: Keno is kind of like playing the lottery where you try to pick the winning numbers. In other words, kind of like withdrawing money from the ATM and then lighting it on fire.
Craps: This game is tricky. First, in order to succeed in understanding the craps table and odds, you must first graduate from MIT with a degree in advanced mathematics. Then roll the dice and do your best not to “crap out” which sounds more like something that happens after a night of Taco Bell.
Happy gambling, everybody!